Where have I been?

May 20, 2017 Blog Updates & Misc 14

I’ve almost written this post a dozen times, and then stopped. But I know I’ve been gone a while and people are wondering… where have I been?

I’ve been busy. School’s on it’s last couple weeks and this time of year is ALMOST as hectic as the beginning. But that’s not really why I haven’t been around in the blogosphere.

Quite frankly, I’ve been gone because I’m very depressed. And unlike years ago, when I started blogging because I was depressed and needed a safe place, the blog hasn’t felt like a safe space anymore.

I feel that most will read what’s coming and roll their eyes, thinking I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. And that’s probably why it’s taken me so long to write this post.

It has EVERYTHING to do with our political landscape right now. I feel like for many bloggers – at least based on comments I’ve seen – it ranges from something they take very seriously to something they find frustrating and want to escape to something they just don’t understand and don’t care to. And yeah, that’s fine. You can take whatever stance you want. I know that.

But for me, this is PERSONAL. Back in July, I got married after 11 years together. In October we were talking about finally making the move to buy a house this summer. Get settled. I’m in a job I love at a school I love. We can FINALLY start our lives. And then the worst happens.

Trump gets elected president. Republicans take majority in all of congress. They managed to block Obama appointing a supreme court justice (I still don’t understand how anyone who was a part of undermining the foundation of our government’s system of checks and balances gets to stay in office!). The whole government is a disaster.

And I love that so many bloggers share my outrage at this administration. But I know of some – I will not name names – that voted for it. Some were very vocal on Facebook about how we – the “losers” – need to get over it and accept the new president. To them, I’m misinformed and don’t understand him. I’ve been fooled by the media.

Except, the media isn’t where I get my information. I get it directly from congress and white house websites. I read bills. And what I’m watching is a destruction of the life I was getting ready to settle into.

Instead of buying a house this summer, we’re hording our money for when my husband has to renew his papers and very possibly gets deported. And being that I live in Texas- about the WORST state in the US right now for immigrants – I also live in continuous fear that some cop has pulled my husband over and has, for whatever reason, detained him. Because yeah, Texas passed the no Sanctuary cities law that essentially enforces racial profiling. I’ve already seen students be absent because their parents have to do a meeting for residency renewal and never come back. This is our reality. And I can’t help but be angry that people are willing to scapegoat immigrants for America’s problems. They are not the problem. Ignorance is the problem. It’s what elected Trump.

So we’re making contingency plans for our future. If something happens, he’ll go home and I’ll start applying to live in Canada and Mexico. Looking for jobs both places. Hoping beyond hope that I can somehow continue in the job I love, with an income to live on, and still be with my husband.

And let’s say none of that happens. While that would be amazing and I hope for it daily, my livelihood is also under attack under this administration. They are actively trying to de-fund public schools. Not only am I firmly against these policies, as an educator who knows that this is not what’s best for our kids, but I’m looking at a short future in the job I love. Texas is, again, at the head of all this shit — they’ve already attacked teacher unions this session and are working actively on vouchers for charter and public schools. They’re trying to take away our retirement plan – one of the only REAL perks of being a teacher. A semi-secure retirement that isn’t dependent on the market. Sure, it doesn’t promise high pay and keeps us from claiming social security benefits were owed, but if you make it to retirement as a teacher, I imagine you’re used to not getting the pay your owed.

I won’t even touch what’s going on with gay rights and health care – which matter to me because my brother is gay and my mom is disabled and I can’t afford to support her if she loses much of her support.

The point is, I was so excited and hopeful for the life I was finally getting to have. That I had fought so hard for – years of school, fighting for my masters, the struggle to get the right job at the right school – and it’s all hanging on by a thread. And it sucks.

And what sucks more is… I know there a people whose blogs I used to visit regularly, who I used to chat with, that voted for Trump and what his administration stands for. As a result I don’t feel like my blog is a safe place anymore. I feel betrayed that people I thought of as good, kind people, voted for a man that wanted this life for me. For an administration that is actively trying to take away my happiness.

It’s also probably why I haven’t made it to book club lately, where I heard comments that Hilary was just as bad. No, no. She really wasn’t. She wasn’t great, I agree. But there was no comparison. I feel like every single person who says that Hilary is just as bad is clearly speaking from a safe place of healthy, straight, middle class, white privilege. Because they may not like Trump, but they have little to fear in their immediate, personal life from him. The rest of us, though, do. Our lives are under constant attack and it sucks.

And I know I’m not the only one who feels the way I do about the administration, but among my small niche of the blogosphere, I feel alone in that I’m not just angry, I’m scared and under attack. Maybe I’m not alone in my fear, but it’s how I feel.

And because I feel alone and like I can’t really use this space that has been my safe space for so long, I’m really struggling with finding the desire to blog right now.

So that’s where I’ve been. Maybe this post will help me come back. Maybe not. I may do COYER to help Michelle out and then that may be it for me and blogging for a while. I don’t know. But I felt I owed you all an update and an explanation. Hugs.

Berls is letting us know where she's been. She may not be back for a while yet... Click To Tweet Follow on Bloglovin


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About Berls
Berls has been a book lover her whole life. She reads pretty much every genre and is currently working hard at making her childhood dream of becoming an author come true. She loves sharing her thoughts about books, blogging, and just random fun stuff. She's a challenge and read-a-thon junkie, so it's no wonder that she loves co-hosting the COYER reading challenge. Leave a comment, Berls is always happy to chat!

14 Responses to “Where have I been?”

  1. timothynperry

    Have been missing you, and while I am active in addition country I accept apprehend every chat you accept accounting and feel for you and accept aggregate you accept said. It is actual sad that you accept these things blind over your head, if you already accept abundant on your plate. I accept no answers – alone to say I apprehend you and feel for you. Hugs.

  2. James

    Hey, have you ever even had a thought in mind that you would move to live in Canada? I heard lots of people start doing when he (you-know-who) got in charged.

  3. Lark @ The Bookwyrm's Hoard

    {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} I am so sorry. Sorry you’re feeling so depressed and frustrated and fearful, and sad that so many people in our country are, or have real reason to fear they will be, affected by the decisions being made in Washington. (Well, we’re all affected, and will be, one way or another, but it doesn’t seem to be worrying some people, and others won’t see or believe there’s a problem until it affects them personally. That attitude baffles me, frankly.)

    Sweetie, do what you need to do to take care of yourself emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The blog will be here if and when you have energy for it, but if it’s not strengthening and feeding you right now, then relax, and come back when it works for you. But I do hope you’ll keep in touch, and reach out if you need a virtual shoulder to lean on. Mine’s available.

  4. Lexxie

    Sending lots of love your way, Berls! I do miss you here on the blog, but I know where to find you 😉 And I totally understand both the fear and the anger you feel now – it’s like there’s nothing you can do to make things better for yourself and your family.
    I do hope things will work out for you and Mr. Berls, and that things will calm down with your prez, even if things point to that not being in the cards right now.
    Lexxie recently posted…Can You Read a Series in a Month ChallengeMy Profile

  5. Jen Twimom

    Oh my sweet, amazing Berls. Thank you for posting. I’ve been looking for you every week and bugging you on Twitter. I was so happy to see you on #FitReaders last week. Please keep up the fight, know you have friends and supporters and places that are safe. Like Melanie, I’m happy to DM you my cell. I am great at pick-me-up texts and GIFs. I know they aren’t “real” but they come from a place of concern, caring, and friendship. You are worth the fight! Your family is worth the fight. Your students are worth the fight. Love you!
    Jen Twimom recently posted…Review: White Hot by Ilona AndrewsMy Profile

  6. Trish @ Between My Lines

    Berls, I’m so sorry. I feel your fear and anger, and wish there was something I could do to help. Even though I live outside the US, I’m shaken by just what is happening. All I can do is send hugs, and hope the worst never comes to pass for you. xx

  7. Jonetta (Ejaygirl)

    I share your fears and concerns. The night of the election I was inconsolable. I love this country and all it stands for. Trump threatens to destroy all that separates us from those who hate what we stand for.

    However, I think we might have needed this horrible moment in time for Americans to wake up to reality. And, that’s already in process. Many who voted for this awful man are learning you cannot separate a man’s character from his actions. We are the laughingstock of the world right now but I have faith that in two years, all of these gutless members of Congress will have their reckoning.

    Hang in there. There are more who share your point of view than don’t. Don’t give into ignorance and injustice. Yours is an important voice and you MATTER!!! We need you more now than ever.
    Jonetta (Ejaygirl) recently posted…Winter at the White Oaks Lodge by Abbie WilliamsMy Profile

  8. Kathryn Trask

    Have been missing you, and while I am living in another country I have read every word you have written and feel for you and believe everything you have said. It is very sad that you have these things hanging over your head, when you already have enough on your plate. I have no answers – only to say I hear you and feel for you. Hugs.

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